City of angels? I think not!!!

The time had come for me to explore LA by myself, as my host had to work during the week and was no longer able to accompany me on my adventures. I was once again faced with the task of adjusting to yet another public transport system. LA bus service SUCKS. Even if the buses are running onetime, the schedule is so badly planned that I found myself spending as long as half an hour, at times, waiting for the bus I needed to transfer to. And if this was not bad enough, 90% of this time was spent declining dodgy propositions from creepy old men. 

The first came while I was waiting for the train to Long Beach, on my first day of solo exploring. It came from a hobo who looked like a slightly lighter version of Julius Malema with dreadlocks... And displayed almost the exact same level of unintelligence. I was standing in a metro station happily minding my own business while waiting for the train, when this man (who had a large furry leopard print blanket slung over his shoulder!) introduced himself to me and asked me my name. I just looked at him blankly. Again he asked my name. Again I stared blankly. He then put his hand on my arm and invited me to come sit downstairs with him. I resisted the urge to punch the black right out of him. Instead, I simply moved away, shaking my head and informing him in Afrikaans that I was waiting for the train. He stepped towards me again repeating his request for me to come and sit downstairs with him, telling me the train was going to be a while still. The sign behind his obviously empty head said the train was due in four minutes. My head was screaming a thousand insults at this tool. But again I shook just my head and repeated more vehemently in Afrikaans that I was waiting for the train. After about five repititions of this the idiot finally looks at me and says "No English?" Well give the man a freaking medal. Obviously not, dumbass. At this point I was so close to violence I had to picture bundles of fluffy puppies frolicking in fields of pretty flowers in my head to keep myself calm. He lost interest when he finally twigged on to the fact that I was not planning to go and cuddle downstairs under his porno blanket with him and moved off, most likely to hunt for some other unsuspecting victim. I have never loved Afrikaans so much in all my life. Ironically this happened on Halloween. City of angels, my ass.

The rest of the day was spent exploring Long Beach. It is about an hour and a half from LA by bus/metro system. It is also where the Queen Mary is currently sitting as a tourist attraction. I had a moment of utter movie cliché: I was at the platform for another train (not the one with the perverted retard) and the train arrived and people started pouring out of the doors. As the door in front of me opened, I looked up to see a rather large, very black lady (I mention this only because the whole reason it's funny is because she's black and it's a movie stereotype moment) pushing a pram ("stroller" pfft) with one hand, holding a little boy's hand with her other and dragging a little girl wrapped around her right leg. However, as they got to the train door Little Girl decided she was actually rather fond of the train and not ready to hop off just yet, so she quite hastily unwrapped herself from Mommy's leg and wrapped herself around the pole nearest the door. Mommy was very unimpressed by this and sort of positioned her leg behind Little Girl to push her off the train. This was unsuccessful. So she then pushed the pram all the way off the train, placed her left hand (still holding Little Boy's hand too) rather protectively on it and turned to grab Little Girl under her arm and yank her rather unceremoniously off her feet while simultaneously saying "Gitcho ass off the dayum train!" I nearly laughed out loud. It was so perfect it couldn't have been better if someone had planned and scripted the whole scene.

But by far the best part of my day was the night. I had purchased a Halloween costume the previous week and was exceptionally excited for this experience. I went into West Hollywood (the gayest place on earth) for their famous Halloween parade. It was fantastic. These people take this shit SERIOUSLY!!! The costumes ranged from "shoulda-stayed-at-home" to "friends-with-a-makeup-artist" to "give-this-person-an-Oscar". I was so impressed! And felt very under dressed. I also faced my fears without facing them... We encountered more than one evil clown (evil because they were dressed that way, not just because I'm terrified of them!) and I took a picture with more than one of them. However, I say without facing them, because I asked my friends to ask them for a photo, I backed up until I was next to them, then walked away again without ever looking at them. To this day I have not seen those pictures, although I did get a friend to put one on my Facebook profile but this proved problematic because I had to block my profile picture every time I was online! I did not think that one through too well... 

My next romantic proposition came from a creepy bald guy with some sort of indistinct European accent. He was dressed in a suit with takkies ("sneakers" pfft twice) and a cap! Who does that?! I was standing at the bus stop on Sunset Strip (I guess that may have been part of the problem, now that I think about it...) when he walked up to me. Here follows our exchange:

Creepy European guy: "May I invite you to lunch?"

Me:                              "No, thanks. I'm waiting for the bus."

Creepy European guy: "But I'm happy to invite you."

Me: (getting annoyed)  "Yes and I'm very happy to say no. Thank you."

Creepy European guy looks first surprised and then offended and stomps off.

There were so many exchanges like these I eventually lost track and stopped keeping score. But it is tiring having to politely decline requests from cab drivers who want to come back to Africa with me (I have to be polite for fear of them dropping me off in the wrong place or over charging me for the lift), randoms on the streets, buses and subways who keep trying to chat to me and a convict (Halloween costume) who asked me to be his wife. 

An American experience I really hope to avoid is that of an encounter with one of their weekly psychotic shooters in any random public place that incites their wrath. I came unbelievably close to being caught up in this whole ongoing gun saga when a shooter stormed terminal 3 at LAX mere hours before I was scheduled to fly out of that very terminal. It was a very scary moment for me. My flight was rescheduled for the following day, but even with the beefed up security and FBI standing EVERYWHERE I still kept looking over my shoulder every twenty seconds. It was an awful feeling. Anyway, the flight was to Dallas to watch the Dallas Cowboys play football at home. It was an interesting experience and I can't honestly say I enjoyed it too much. Perhaps I'm just too used to the fast pace of rugby, but to me it is ridiculous that it takes them THREE HOURS to play a sixty minute game. And most of it is spent standing around. I didn't understand all the hype, but I'm told it's an amazing game. 

After the weekend in Dallas, I caught a ride into the downtown LA fashion district with the father of the girl I was staying with. He is such a lovely man. He speaks some broken English and I speak some broken Spanish, and between us we have such great conversation (I think...) He took me to meet a friend of his at this little food truck around the corner from where he works, and bought me a Torta (Spanish food - kind of a breakfast burrito but in a roll instead of a wrap) and Spanish soda and we sat in his friend's van munching away on our unorthodox but incredibly yummy breakfast before they dropped me at the bus stop and I set about exploring the more famous areas of LA, including Beverly Hills, Rodeo Drive, Santa Monica and Venice Beach. I don't think I have ever seen more flashy cars in a shorter period of time or a smaller radius than I did on Rodeo Drive. It is a street that only runs for two blocks and yet I saw the swankiest most expensive cars I have ever laid eyes on parked casually along the street. My eyes almost couldn't cope :-) I also popped into the Beverly Wilshire hotel (sadly sans Julia Roberts) and basked in its snooty glow for a few minutes. The way the lady at the front desk talked made me giggle to myself. It's the way people talk when they rip off a REALLY brainless bimbo. I'm guessing you really had to hear it to enjoy it like I did. I was really hoping that Rodeo Drive would be my celebrity jackpot but sadly it turns out that unless you're a maniacal paparazzo, spotting celebrities is about as easy as finding a unicorn in Kruger park. It was a sad realisation for me... 

Santa Monica pier was another highlight for me. It's the one used in all the movies with the Ferris wheel and permanent fair setup. It was so beautiful and the beach was so stunning (no waves though! Very odd) and I ended up being there at just the right time because the sunset was magnificent. I took my shoes off and frolicked happily in the sand, took some lovely pictures and then hopped on the bus back to downtown LA. A downside to these public buses is the fact that they are always approximately the temperature of your average fridge. It becomes unpleasant after about five minutes, no matter the temperature outside. Most of the time I distract myself by watching the bunch of oddities riding the bus with me. It really is the biggest fruit salad of humans I have ever come across. 

The night before I left, I excitedly shared my San Francisco plans with my host. Top of the list was to go and see the Charmed house (from my favourite series - Charmed - which is set in San Francisco). To my horror she informed me that the house was actually in LA. Every day I am shocked further by the extent to which Hollywood lies to us. It is soul crushing. So the morning that I left was a crazy mad rush for me to get to this damn house before racing for my midday bus to San Francisco. I went, I saw, I was ecstatic :-) it is something I have wanted to see ever since I first knew it was not just a set. But overall I think my favourite part of LA was definitely Santa Monica... The laid back, marketplace atmosphere in the streets along the beachfront, the beauty of the pier and the stunning surrounding views were so relaxing and just such a lovely contrast from the extreme city feel of everywhere else. 

Next update: San Francisco! 

Stay classy c",)

Viva Las Vegas!

Wow I have really fallen behind. I do apologise, my access to internet has been very limited lately. I will do my best to catch you up on all my adventures! Another uncomfortably early start... I had a 6:30am bus to catch... to Vegas! My excitement and anticipation very much made up for the fact that my eyes physically could not even open properly yet. I have no idea what to expect... But it's Vegas! I don't care :)

Other than a very brief sighting of a Bugatti on the highway, and the fact that all the cars were on the wrong side of the road, I may as well have been driving through the Karoo to Cape Town! It was incredibly similar! The drive was long and boring and I spent most of it in a half-awake, half-asleep daze staring blankly at the road. I may have slept a few times, it's hard to say. I felt the now all-too-familiar thrill of adventure rush through me at the sight of the Vegas skyline in the distance. That sight really is as cool as they make it look in the movies :-) 

The bus stopped at the airport which was about an hour away from where I wanted to be. I have learned a very valuable lesson about time in my travels... NEVER be in a hurry if you are using public transport in America. You WON'T get anywhere any quicker and you WILL end up with a headache and a bad mood to boot. (Stash that gem of knowledge for future use. You'll thank me someday.) Also, google is your friend! In particular, google maps is your BEST friend. Omnipotent, all-seeing, all-knowing google maps. You'll not want for anything except a cellphone charger... Because every time you MOST need google maps to hold your hand, your phone gives you a giant finger and the battery dies at supersonic speed while you stand in the empty bus station at 1:13am staring disbelievingly at the screen as if it will magically turn on again and, when it doesn't (because hey, reality...) wondering how the heck you're getting home (or back to couch) now! Anyway, I digress...

Luckily my phone did not die on this occasion as it had been charging the whole way to Vegas (awesome thing about American buses: most of them have wifi and plugs!) so google maps showed me the way, I hopped on the designated bus and off I went. On the bus I got chatting to some professional dancers who had just flown in from LA to dance at a club on the strip that weekend. They invited me to go and watch their performance. I itially Isaid yes, but after listening to them talk among themselves I got the sense that it was the kind of dancing that didn't require much of a costume department... I decided I'd rather not stare at naked strangers. I got off at the stop that was supposedly less than 100m from my hostel (it wasn't!) and started walking towards where my hostel was supposedly located (it was!). Imagine my trepidation as a large metal container (like the ones on the massive cargo ships that get blown up in cool action movies) comes into view with my hostel's name flapping on the one side in the form of a crudely painted bed sheet. Luckily, this box of certain death was not my hostel. It served as a sign behind the hostel because its entrance was on the other side of the block. I would have done a happy dance if my bag had not been slowly crushing my spine one vertebra at a time. The hostel was very rustic and quaint but I loved it. Not least of all because it was surrounded by everything that epitomises Vegas... A tattoo parlour, a wedding chapel, a sex store and a strip club. All that was missing was a casino. I have never felt classier.

I dropped off my bag in my room, changed into my summer clothes (which were still too warm!) and headed off to explore the strip. I saw EVERYTHING Vegas as shown in the movies. The weird outfits, the weird humans, the weird non-humans, the shiny buildings, the billions of movie characters wandering the strip, an unbelievable number of bail bonds and pawn stores (including the famous one from History Channel's Pawn Stars) all overflowing with business at every hour of the day and night, the countless ladies of the night and their "business partners" doing their thing as inconspicuously as they can (not inconspicuous enough, obviaas), the hordes of drunken tools stumbling around with long plastic tubes hanging from a type of lanyard around their necks from which they slurped up copious amounts of alcohol feeling so emboldened in there inebriated state that they bravely and loudly challenged the bus drivers who dared to tell them that no food and drinks can be brought onto the bus, not even allowing the cops to deter their righteous anger. It was ALL there. Vegas is just a massive bustling hub of clichés. I, however, took the road less traveled by and that made all the difference. 

Friday was spent exceedingly well, methinks. I took a trip out to a BIIIIIIIIIIIG hole in the ground (I feel like whoever named the one in Kimberley needs to reassess their definition of big). It was a very long bus trip, but it was very very worth it! First stop of the tour was Sector 7! (For you old folks, that's Hoover Dam :-P) which is a really awesome sight indeed. We then stopped along Route 66 and got our kicks... er... pics there (lolsies!) before moving along to... LE GRAND CANYON! Breath taking. Spectacular. Marvelous. Phenomenal. Fantastique! There are not enough words in all the world and definitely no pictures or films that can do THIS big hole any justice. It is simply just too awesome. I managed to acquaint myself with two lovely British fellas from my tour bus - a father and son celebrating Dad's 60th and Son's 40th. I convinced them that even though I had become quite adept at the art of selfies, the Grand Canyon was simply too large for these to be of any effect and I guess they took pity on me and allowed me to tag along. And as a result I got the most brilliant pictures! I could not have dreamed up better ones! The three of us sat and had a beer at the pub afterwards before heading back to the bus and they asked me some questions about home and if we had any unique foods. I excitedly said "Yes! My favourite is biltong!" and before I even had a chance to explain any further as to what biltong was, Son looked at me and, in all seriousness, informed me that biltong "sounds like something out of Star Wars." I was finished. :-)

I spent the remainder of the weekend at a fantastic festival called Life Is Beautiful. It was a celebration of music, art and food and took up about six blocks of downtown Vegas. There were many bands playing there that I love (best being the Killers!!!) and they were just AMAZING!!!!!! I wanted to freeze time and loop it so that the concert would never end. I spent the weekend in a state of blissful happy shared with a new friend I made at the hostel who was also attending the festival. Although, I'm almost positive that some of the blissful happy must be attributed to the very strong and very frequent clouds of marijuana smoke that wafted past my face. 

On Monday, I sadly packed my bags and hopped on the bus back to LA. Every leaving is laced with a bittersweet feeling. The sadness at saying goodbye but the excitement for the next adventure. I had another typically American experience just outside of LA when I looked out my window and saw a UFO! It was a very weird light floating in the sky. It moved in funny motions and did not seem to have a particular shape that I could see. I decided not to look at it for too long in case it turned out to be something boring like the reflection of a light on the window. I felt far more excited about the idea of aliens. 

I have really struggled with how racially sensitive Americans are (Trevor Noah was so right!). In fact, I find them so overly sensitive that it's offensive. My host (as previously mentioned) is Spanish. She was driving me and a friend of hers back to her house and commenting on how utterly exhausted she was, saying that she was practically a driving zombie. She made some rather poor driving moves and her friend started joking that we were going to die. I laughed and said it would be very ironic to have survived 24 years in Africa just to come to America and be killed by a Mexican. Apparently I was the only one that got the joke.

Well, this is it for now... Stay tuned for scenes from the next episode. Lolsies! Only keeding. I shall write again, tomorrow. 

Stay classy! c",)

A whale of a time

Up at the crack of dawn! Today Debbie has to drive to San Diego for work so I'm going with her to add another city to my list of adventures! Plus, it's San Diego, home of the legendary Ron Burgundy (Anchorman reference, for those not in the know). 

Six thirty am and we're on the interstate to San Diego. The drive took just under three hours. During the drive, I googled Anchorman film locations so that I could do some touristing while Debbie worked. Most upset to find out that almost the entire film was shot in LA! Even the scene in the San Diego zoo happened in an abandoned LA zoo enclosure!!! WHAT?! What is happening??? My world no longer makes sense. I was still recovering from this blow to my reality when we arrived and headed to Starbucks for breakfast and coffee! After breakfast, Debbie dropped me off at the very famous San Diego Sea World and headed off to work. Well, what a day! The first new sight for me was that of the absolutely beautiful Beluga whales. They are even cooler in real life than they are in the movies! An interesting fact I found out about them was that they are actually born grey and only turn white when they are fully mature. There were about five of them in the tank that I saw - four adults and one calf. They were quite mesmerizing and I watched them for quite a while before moving on to the polar bears! Equally cool! The were two of them, one completely passed out on the rocks and the other pacing frantically up and down the length of a log over the water. They looked so cuddly I wanted to hug them! Probably unwise :)

I left the arctic enclosure and headed over to the manta and sting ray pool. It was a fairly shallow pool with a low wall and I was fascinated to discover that we could actually reach into the water and touch them. What a strange texture. Soft and slippery but so strong. I played with them for quite a while before I moved on to the seals. In true American style, the seal show wasn't just tricks and games, it was an actual story/show. And of course, scary themed due to it almost being Halloween. It was bizarre but kinda cute to watch. Next I headed to the shark enclosure, curious to see America's ferocious sea beasts. Lolsies! Not. The first tank I saw was an open tank that looked like a large fish pond... with tiny little sharks (I'm assuming some kind of sand shark) swimming around the bottom. The sign said "Please keep hands out of the water. Sharks may bite." I would pay good money to meet the idiots that are the reason they even need that sign there. It would be an adventure! I finally found the main shark tank. The biggest, most ferocious looking shark in the tank looked like a small runt of a raggy. I'm fairly certain if I were floating on my back in the water he would have had a hard time even opening his jaws wide enough to bite my tummy. Pffft. 

My second favourite part of the whole day were the dolphins and pilot whales! Again, (America) the show was some WEIRD story about a girl in a tower who wanted to be a dolphin, then she wanted to be a bird, then she jumped out of her tower (don't worry, she didn't die, she jumped into the water), then she changed her mind and became a mermaid or something. There were also acrobats and divers and all sorts of things... it was very confusing. I dunno, in all honesty, I chose to hold onto my sanity by ignoring the story and enjoying the beautiful animals instead :) it was a wise choice. Of course being me (and having my non-waterproof cellphone and precious new camera with me) I made sure to sit in the splash zone right near the front :) too much of fun I had! The dolphins jumped and flipped and waved and twirled and SPLASHED us, as did the pilot whales (very cool, but strange looking creatures!) it was fantastic :) 

My FAVOURITE part (of course!) was the Orca whales! Too too cool! I oohed, I aahed, I laughed, I got SOAKED, I cheered, I clapped, I cried (just a little - at the sheer awesomeness of them)... it changed my life :) As far as I'm concerned the show was far too short :( not nearly enough Shamu for my liking! But it was spectacular! :) Debbie picked me up that afternoon and took me into the heart of San Diego and showed me around a little bit. We went to see the Petco Park baseball stadium (home of the San Diego Padres), walked the streets of downtown San Diego (the historic heart of San Diego), and had a drink at Altitude - the bar on the rooftop of the Marriott hotel - with a magnificent view of the city! Outstanding day all things considered! :)

Coming up next time... VEGAS BABY!!!

Stay classy me lovelies c",)

Seeing stars!

I can't believe I'm in LA!!! :) just too cool. My host Debbie's family is Spanish, so I have a chance to brush up on and relearn what I know and then learn some more! Me gusta la edea! :) she has a lovely family. Her parents and brother are warm and welcoming and they all love learning about South Africa as much as I'm loving learning Spanish and trying Mexican dishes! 

Debbie took me to see downtown LA (that's the part that has the skyline used in all establishing shots for films/shows shot in LA). We went to the city hall which has a panoramic view of the whole of LA from the 26th floor. It was a pretty awesome sight :) we drove through the actual tunnel where Bumblebee transforms from the "piece of crap" old Camarro into the beautiful, sexy new version we all know and love (my inner geek almost couldn't cope with all this coolness), drove past the Kodak Theatre which is where the Oscars, Grammys, Emmys, etc all take place, and then headed up to the observatory. At the bottom of the hill upon which this awesome piece of history sits was a film set! Not sure what for because we didn't feel brave enough to take on security to try and find out, and we were in a hurry to hike the hill before sunset. But I'm still claiming it as my first film set encounter! The hike was pretty intense... We both worked up a good sweat and heart rate by the time we got to the top, but the view was simply fantastic and so worth it! 

Many of you should know the observatory. If not, Google is your friend! It is famous for so many reasons! The older folks might remember it from "Rebel without a cause", while younger folks will more easily associate it with Demi Moore's awesome "bad guy" reveal moment in "Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle" or as the place where the Autobots meet in Transformers! Too cool :) it too has an amazing view of the whole of LA, including a brilliant view of the Hollywood sign! Eeeeeep! Picture time! :) It has all sorts of cool and interesting space and science stuff inside (I was very amused by the door marked "Entrance. Not an entrance.") lolsies Americans are so funny. There is a massive brass pendulum in the lobby area. It is brilliant. It's called the Foucault Pendulum and it was invented in 1851. It was the first proof that the earth rotates on its axis! Once started, the pendulum swings in the same direction the entire time completely independent of what the earth does, and as a result it is possible to see that the earth has moved by referencing the markings on the slate beneath the pendulum. (This might make more sense with pictures.)

We then headed down into Hollywood and saw the El Capitan (very famous movie theatre where many a movie has made its blockbuster premiere) and I walked the Walk of Fame!!! Kinda lost my mind and cool factor a little when we got to the infamous Chinese theatre and I saw all the cement slabs with hand and footprints! I went into full-on geek mode I'm afraid. I stood in Johnny Depp's footprints, sat with Johnny Depp, Robert de Niro, Al Pacino and Sean Connery all at once, put my hands into Morgan Freeman's and basically just walked around like a total loon with my eyeballs falling out of my face and jaw somewhere under my toes. Imagine a kid actually got to go visit Santa in the North Pole? Yep... It was probably pretty funny to see :) I also sat with Charlize's star, took a picture of Elvis taking a picture of Marilyn Monroe (hahaha!) and had a picture with Batman (oh yeah!). 

We wandered down Hollywood boulevard and back up again and I got myself a pretty cool costume for Halloween! (Don't ask, it's a surprise!) but yes, I'll be partying in Hollywood for Halloween! :) all in all a pretty awesome first day in LA! Can't wait to explore some more! But for tomorrow, it's off to San Diego for the day!

“Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which of course in German means ‘a whale’s vagina.’” — Ron Burgundy

You stay classy now! c",)

Definitely not cloud 9!

Due to the unique nature of this day in my life, I feel the best way to share it is to share it frame by frame, including what happened in my mind, because I can honestly think of no other way to put it into words in a way that will accurately convey my emotions and experiences of this day. I hope you can understand and bear with me for this post :) times are rounded to closest five minutes.

7:30ish (mountain time) Woke up nice and early on this freezing Monday morning, so excited to be headed for LA, but sad about leaving Halliday too. My flight is booked, my bag is packed and I am almost sure we should find the airport in time. It's an hour away in Dickinson, so we leave a good few hours before my flight just in case. 

10:30 Thank goodness we left so early! Turns out the airport is way out the other side of Dickinson, and my flight is at 12! Slightly nervous about missing check-in cut off time.

11:10 The airport is a barn. Literally. It's the size of a really large lecture hall and made mostly out of wooden slats. Am moderately concerned about where the runway is and how long it is, if this is the size of the airport!

11:30 Ok, massive backpack is checked, boarding pass is in my hand and I am ready to go! Should be boarding any minute now!

12:15 JK! The plane isn't even in Dickinson yet. Who wants to board their flight on time anyway?

12:30 My plane is an express. Like a really large remote controlled toy. Apprehension building quickly. I sense this is going to be a long day.

13:20 I am psychic. Our 12:00 flight is still on the ground. Apparently the modern fuel system decided to stop working so they had to fuel the plane the old fashioned way - over the wing with a hose from the fuel truck. This complete, they then decided they need a mechanic to come and wire the fuel tank cap onto the plane so that nobody tampers with it. 

13:35 Wonder if I am the only one on the flight thinking how the hell tampering can even be an issue when we are going to be FLYING. In the air. Where the wing (and by association, the fuel cap) is pretty much safe from all human hands unless Superman decides to drop in for a chat... 

13:45 Pilot apologises for the "slight" (seriously?) delay and we taxi onto the runway. Fervent prayers start now.

15:30 Safely in Denver after an uneventful flight, thank heavens. Only landed two hours late. First world countries... Yay.

16:15 Ready and waiting at gate 93 to board my 16:45 flight to Phoenix, Arizona - the second of three flights for the day. Lady announces that the boarding gate has changed from gate 93 to gate 71. Curses. The walk is long and I'm in my not-yet-fully-broken-in cowgirl boots! Ouchie :( I walk the long passages and climb the seemingly endless flight of stairs with serious purpose. 

16:18 Lady at gate 71 informs me I am mistaken, my flight definitely does not leave from her gate. Apparently the flight boards have the most up-to-date information. Flight boards still say gate 93. Grrrrr. Getting frustrated!

16:23 Lady at gate 93 kindly tells me I need to board my flight at gate 71. I resist the urge to be mean because I know it's not her fault that lady at gate 71 is a complete and utter moron. 

16:30 Lady at gate 71 avoids my gaze as they call our flight to her gate and I give her my ticket. I hold my tongue. I shall be the bigger person. I made it to my flight, no harm, no foul. Except for the blister on my foot.

16:55 Long day is not even close to over. Another large toy plane. Joy and wonder. And I swear we're being Punk'd. Flight is now late for take off. Air hostess informs us that we are delayed because they are changing a tyre on the plane. WHAT?!?! What a whopper. Truth was they had two ladies with a ticket for the same seat and they had to figure out which lady should get it. They couldn't hide that from us any longer once the saga started to unfold inside the plane. I remember a lady in front of me was pulled aside at the gate and told they didn't have a seat for her. She was not happy. They obviously decided it was her seat because they plopped her down mid-plane near me. Woohoo! Ready for take off. 

17:00 Not! The air hostess walks down to Lady #1 and sheepishly informs her that they've just found the rightful occupant of that seat and she unfortunately now needs to get off the plane. Lady #1 indignantly stomps off the plane in a very impressively elegant manner.

17:05 Lady #2 is on the plane. 20 mins of lateness and counting. Woohoo! Ready for take off.

17:10 Not! Air hostess now sheepishly informs Lady #2 that Lady #1 actually has seniority and thus the seat is in fact rightfully hers. The whole plane "ooooohh"s like a bunch of teenagers watching some sort of dissing contest. 

17:15 Lady #1 has now taken up her rightful place in aisle seat number middle-ish. Woohoo! Ready for take off. Only 30 minutes late this time.

18:00 (pacific time) Safely landed in Denver, 15 minutes before boarding due to start on my final flight to LA.

18:05 PANIC. My flight takes off two terminals away from where I am now and the bus to that terminal was leaving as I came through the doors. Praying like a dying atheist that the buses are very frequent.

18:15 The buses are not as frequent as I'd hoped. Shit.

18:20 Sprinting across Phoenix airport as fast as possible without breaking an ankle in my boots, taking off jacket, jewelry and sunglasses in the process in preparation for security check.

18:30 Kill me now. Lines at security check are longer than the lines at McDonald's at 3am on a Saturday. 

18:35 Slowest security check of my life. I'm sweating buckets. Set off at a sprint for my gate while still pulling on my boots and putting my jacket, jewelry and glasses back on. Run-dressing should be a marketable talent.

18:38 Seven minutes to spare. Can't breathe. Of course, the one flight I'm late for because of another useless airline is the flight that's on time. 

18:45 As the plane lifts into the air, the gangster-dressed, intimidatingly large Hispanic guy next to me kisses his thumb and crosses himself. I feel much safer already.

18:50 Horrible feeling my bag didn't make it onto the flight. Can't quite imagine how it could have when I had to practically go supersonic to get there myself. 

19:30 Gangster guy is actually pretty nice and gives me all sorts of tips on what to see in LA. 

20:05 Landed safely at LAX! Gangster guy repeats his Hail Mary and I'm tempted to follow suit after the day I've had. Perhaps it'll ensure that I see my bag on the conveyor belt!

20:30 I am DEFINITELY psychic. Lost and found baggage services inform me that my bag didn't make it onto my flight (DUH. That's why I'm standing at this stupid counter!) and is on a flight that is landing at 21:41. Fanfreakingtastic. 

20:45 Baggage services has offered to deliver my bag to the address I'm staying at. The lady says last delivery for the day is at 22:45 so I am assured that I will be reunited with my bag before midnight. I gratefully accept the complimentary toiletry kit they offer me and run for the door. Had enough of airports for a while! 

22:45 Check website for update on bag status. Website simply says bag arrived at 21:30. How helpful and informative. Now I know exactly what is going on. 

23:20 Phone call from unknown number to enquire if I would like my bag delivered tonight. YES PLEASE.

00:00 No bag, no more phone calls, no updates on the website. 

01:00 No bag, no more phone calls, no updates on the website. 

02:00 No bag, no more phone calls, no updates on the website. 

02:35 Bag has arrived. Welcome to the land of dreams.

Diary of a Cowgirl - part 3

Started the new week off with a very hard training session with Magnus. Due to being so young and still learning, he can be wary of things at times. Well, as it was once again some insane degree of cold outside, we were once again at peach schnapps guy's barn to train, and he has a few machines parked inside the barn. Magnus took a particular disliking to these and turned into a petulant little child for the entire lunging session before I rode him. At one point when I gave him the cue to lope (canter) he literally stopped, turned to face me and just pulled backwards very suddenly. I got him back on track and taught him that this behaviour was unacceptable, but not before the lunge line had ripped the top of my pinky nail from the nail bed and split my finger down the side of the nail. Ouchie :( but we ended the session very well. By the end, he was starting to follow my cues more, he was listening to me and he actually neck reined slightly! A huge achievement for him and for me :) 

Elsabe and I took Magnus and Tuxedo for a few fantastic long trail rides through all the wheat fields in my last week with her, and towards the end, Magnus was being so good that I even stood up on his back and he was completely not phased by it! In fact, at one point, he was actually yawning! So cute, I love his personality! :) he's so eager to please and friendly and full of spunk! A very cool experience (and I mean that literally and figuratively because it was once again arctic temperature outside!) was working cattle on horseback! I took Magnus (of course!) despite Elsabe's concern that he had never seen cattle and might freak out. I had decided that he and I understood each other so we'd be fine :) and I was so right! He was fantastic. I felt like a real cowgirl this time! We rode out through the reservation again with two people from a neighbouring ranch who had offered to help. The reservation is VERY hilly and full of streams and mud patches. Took the horses a bit of time to adjust, so we had a few side splitting moments when one of the horses leapt vertically into the air to avoid a puddle, or leapt about ten meters across a puddle that was maybe 30cm wide! Everybody who wasn't on the leaping horse thoroughly enjoyed the spectacle. Mostly I wasn't one of the everybody because I was being punched in the gut by the stupid saddle horn while Magnus leapt about like a flipping frog. 

We eventually made our way through all the scary little slivers of water and found the herd of approximately 40 cattle. We herded them across the reservation and out onto the road and then walked them a few miles down the road. It involved a lot of mooing from the cows and us shouting and charging straight at them to chase them away from the fences and the roads! At this point it was just the two of us (because the neighbours had decided it was too cold for them so they had gone home) and Jorden and his dad in the Ranger and a pickup respectively. We basically had to keep the whole herd walking in a long line in the ditch between the road and the fence. To quote my favourite animated tow truck "I swear, cows is so dumb". Well, he said tractors, but it's the same thing in this context :) we both lost our voices from yelling at the darn things so much because they kept stopping or heading for the fence or road! The horses got really into the chasing part though! Diggity started pinning his ears back and really going for the stray cows until one kicked out at him. He was a bit more hesitant after that :) Magnus mostly just seemed to be thinking "what the heck are these black things and why are they yelling at me?!" But he did so well :) we herded them to a new pasture and herded them in before heading off to work the next herd. 

On Saturday night we had a really awesome "skaap braai" with even more South Africans than the previous braais! Elsabe and I made a very yummy potato salad and drank Amarula (nostalgic and homesick!) while getting ready. One of the guys also had a bottle of good old brandy at the braai. The South Africans made quick work of it :) unfortunately, not all of the South Africans there were of the cool variety, and the one guy (same idiot that had bugged us at the two previous braais... Not sure why he kept cracking an invite!) got absolutely motherless (as seems to be the norm for him) and started looking for a fight with Rhyno, our host. Now you must just understand, Rhyno is a proper goeie ou Vrystaat boer. Hy vat geen kak van niemand nie! And this was some little twenty-something punk with a huge mouth and no manners. Rhyno literally had his phone open and 911 typed into the call screen while they were having a full-on argument in Afrikaans (I felt like I was back at varsity :-P). He just wanted the kid gone, he didn't even want to fight. It was pretty intense. I half wanted him to call 911 just so I could see the whole 911 response thing in real life :) but luckily the punk eventually got dragged into a car by his mates and disappeared. 

My last night was a really fun but bittersweet affair. We watched movies while lazing around on the floor by an awesome fire. I split the wood myself! Another badass moment :) Kenzley is just too precious. Every night she gives everybody a "drukkie" and a "soentjie" and says "I yuff (love) you, dedda saap (lekker slaap)". This night when I said "lekker slaap, I love you!" she replied with "dedda saap, I yuff you buddy!" I want to take her home with me! :) until her first tantrum... Lolsies. 

And so ended my amazing, wonderful, life changing stay in Halliday, North Dakota with my new lifelong friends :) I shall miss them so much! But I know I always have a place to stay now :)

Next update, my trip to LA... The trip from hell. 

Stay classy! c",)

Diary of a Cowgirl - part 2

Week two was just as eventful as week one! For a small town there really was never a dull moment! We went out for a long trail ride with Magnus (my new project! He's a young colt Elsabe owns but she hasn't had a lot of time to work with him due to being so busy with client horses, so she gave me free rein (haha) to train him while I stayed with her!) I was very excited by this! Everyone else was horrified that she even let me ride him because they all know him as the horse that gave her a concussion but it  wasn't his fault, he's actually a very sweet young thing! After the ride, we went out to the fields to meet Jorden, Elsabe's husband and I rode in and operated a combine harvester (sadly, I have about as much potential for farming as I do for being a pap... Absolutely none!) I drove the combine like a drunken squirrel. Within the space of five minutes and one length of the field I had managed to turn poor Jorden's perfectly straight line into a very lovely rolling wave. I got it almost straight two lengths later, but it took a lot of concentration! Didn't know farming could hurt my brain so much... 

Elsabe and I apparently look very similar and it led to more than one moment of confusion! We went to the day care one afternoon to fetch Elsabe's adorable little girl, Kenzley, and I was driving (cos yay, driving!) and I stayed in the car while she ran in to fetch Kenzley. Awkward moment happened when one of the other mothers came up and started chatting to me like we were old friends. I didn't know what to do so I just smiled and said yes and no where appropriate. Next thing Elsabe walks out with Kenzley. The poor woman did a double take, turned bright red and smiled at me before almost sprinting to her kid and car. It took everything in me not to laugh. It may have been embarrassing but heck was it funny! I took another shot at riding Joe again and almost came a cropper when the little bugger decided to start crow hopping mid canter! It's hard enough to even just stay on him at a walk! By the time I managed to stop him, my legs were wrapped around his neck and my hands were clinging to his ears. As usual, I was in such hysterics I could not even control my own body, and Elsabe and I both almost wet ourselves. We sat for about five minutes just crying with laughter before we could continue our training. Elsabe decided to get on Joe to ride this nonsense out of him (an even funnier sight because her legs are much longer than mine!) and she made him run flat out. Turns out he can run a lot faster than either of us anticipated! It was the funniest thing I'd ever seen! I really did almost wet myself! 

We made plans to head to South Dakota for the weekend so I could see Mount Rushmore, but the government decided that wasn't suitable, so they proceeded to shut down. First world countries are awesome :-/ to top it all off, we couldn't even just go to South Dakota because it snowed so heavily there that weekend that they lost over 7500 head of cattle. It was a devastating storm. We were promised some snow too but instead all we got was a MISERABLY cold 3°C day with gale force icy winds. Fun times. We bundled the horses into the trailer and headed for the nearby indoor arena that belongs to a creepy old cowboy who flirts with everything female and always has a bottle of peach schnapps handy. We were pretty grateful for the schnapps though cos we were literally losing feeling in most our appendages! 

We had another South Africans only (plus American spouses and a few very lucky friends) braai with a lovely huge fire in their fire pit. I very wisely declined the moonshine that was offered to me. That stuff is seriously dangerous! Elsabe and I went on a long ride through the fields again on Monday with Magnus (I LOVE HIM!!!!) and one of her client's horses Tuxedo (a thoroughbred). We were heading back to the tack room when we spotted a coyote. Of course being the sane, rational people we are, we went tearing off across the fields chasing him on two young horses. It was actually quite funny because neither of them had ever been asked to run like that before so they didn't really know what to do. Elsabe and I were hunched up over their necks giving them full rein and shouting and pushing them forward and they both sort of ran with an "I don't know what you want from me!" sort of feeling. We were in hysterics again because by the time we got to the other end of the field we had long since lost the coyote and both horses were still confused as anything. Poor young things :) 

I was amused and shocked to hear Kenzley swearing at the tv one afternoon. Elsabe had to explain to me that she can't pronounce the word "fox" and she watches Dora the Explorer (which has a character called Swyper the fox). So when he appears on the screen, Kenzley happily shouts "Myper the f*#k!". The innocence of it all is so cute! We then got a bit naughty and started teaching her to say "stupid fox". You can imagine what happened when she tried... :) we went and rode in the bad lands with one of Elsabe's clients - a grumpy old cowboy who rides his horse like a dying chicken. He holds his hands up by his chest and when his horse trots, his elbows bounce at his sides and his feet slide forward as if he's on a Harley! The bad lands were so absolutely beautiful though! Massive rolling hills with every colour of Autumn under the sun. I almost got taken out by a tree branch more than once because I was so busy staring around me and Magnus likes to walk THROUGH trees rather than around them like a normal animal. I still love him though :) he had only been ridden a handful of times when I started riding him and he handled the bad lands like such a pro! 

I had the unparalleled pleasure of attending a redneck wedding. I fail to find the words to do it justice, but I shall do my best... The entire bridal party consisted of mostly large, mostly pregnant women and the groom and groomsmen were all large men with no necks. Most of them looked related. The groom and groomsmen all wore cowboy hats. In church. And indoors. At night. The WHOLE night. The bride and groom had custom made glasses for their alcohol. Once the bride had stopped swigging beer like it was fruit juice, they both filled up these special glasses - made out of moonshine jars attached to a wine glass stem... Classy, I know :) - with some potent liquid courage (my best guess would be actual moonshine) and proceeded to get louder and more obnoxious with every passing minute. Approximately every twenty to thirty seconds some drunken smart ass would start clinking a glass which meant bride and groom had to stand and kiss. If you ask me it got old after the first clink. Maybe the second. But no! Four hours later and apparently it was still funny! Kenzley, sweet little thing, had so much fun on the dance floor. It is too precious. When you tell her to shake her butt (yes, shake her butt) she literally does! Love that kid :) we danced for hours with her and eventually headed home. 

This marks the end of another two weeks in North Dakota with my new found family :) definitely one of my favourite American adventures so far! :) 

Stay tuned and stay classy, my beautiful peeps c",)